[Backtracked: Oh yay I have posts in my drafts folder, look! Why I didn't publish this at the time I wrote it, I don't know. So yeah, here's something I wrote sometime in November when I was in Sydney. Hee.]
God does have a flair for drama. He paints the Makati skies with a breath-taking sunset just when you start complaining about how awful your boss or your day is. He shows you a 500-peso bill stuck in the backpocket of your jeans, just when you realize that sweldo is still several days away and you don’t have enough lunch money for the week.
And then He answers prayers just when you start thinking that He’s already closed all doors.
In the past four years, I’ve gone through all sorts of phases in this quest — from excitement, anticipation, and “this is it” moments; to frustration and discouragement; even to the point of giving up.
But hey, Hillsong happened to me last night [November 16, that is]. And if you followed myblogs from day one, you’d know how much this means to me.
With my new apartment now officially the worst thing that’s ever happened to the history of apartment-hopping (no Globe Visibility signal in my room, landlord’s PLDT connection gone blpht, cable connections not compatible with the TV, not to mention the leak that drown our stuff on the first day but don’t let me rant about that one), I nominate last week as the newest candidate to my worst weeks ever.
But that is, until yesterday, when THIS was delivered to me. Waah. :)
Yup, that’s right. There’s my ticket to one whole week of Hillsong bliss at the Acer Arena, happening on July 7-11 of this year.
But of course, I’m still not even halfway through making it. It’s just that teh boyfriend and I registered for the early-bird promo around November last year, so I’ve been getting all these mails since the start of the year — (1) confirmation letter of my registration and full-payment, (2) support document for my visa application, and (3) just yesterday, the ticket to the Hillsong Nights which comes free to those who registered.
Just the sight of my ticket, and my very own seat (well, at least the seat number), has kept me elated until now. So.. up next, Australian visa application. I just hope my fingerprints starts to cooperate already. Uggh, the fingerprints? That’s another story.
Come to think of it, whatever happens within the next 60 days — I know for sure that in the long run, I can smile and be happy with the fact that I got this far. :)
Among the gazillions of memories that my Dad left us with, these two photos are probably the ones that will forever be etched in my head: the black-and-white photo from the last sermon he gave in church, and the color-ed one (with that eternal smile) from a medical-dental mission from way back.
For the past eleven months since Daddy’s death, I’ve gotten so used to seeing these two pictures around — on my Mom’s office wall, in our living room, on a mural in church — that I’d sometimes find myself automatically saying “Hi Daddy, how are you?” everytime I pass through them.
Then again, there are times, such as last Sunday (or NOW), when staring at his pictures would make me cry uncontrollably again. There are just no words to describe how much I miss Daddy. Sometimes it would feel as if the pain of his death is being relieved in my heart over again like it just happened.
I didn’t realize until earlier today that it’s been almost a year already since Dad left to be with the Lord. A lot of things has happened ever since, and there was not a time when I didn’t wonder how different things would have been if he was still around. How I would have made better decisions if I got to have a piece of his wisdom, or how it would have been happier to celebrate special days and victories with him, or how trials would have been easier to bear if I could talk to him, get a piece of his mind, or probably laugh my sorrows away with him.
I guess these are some of the things I will always remember about Daddy. He always had a way of staying calm even though he’s got a gunk of problems to think about. He had this ability to trust God wholly in spite of all the discouragements that this world is made of; and to smile even through trying times.
Smile though your heart is aching, Daddy would often sing — while taking a bath, or while driving, or once when I was so brokenhearted from breaking up with my first boyfriend. I guess he knew that these lines would never fail to bring the smile back on my face. Coincidentally, Daddy also sang portions of this song during his last sermon in church, unaware that it was going to be one of the last memories he’d be leaving us with forever.
The song’s been playing over and over in my head the past few days. It also happened to play on the stereo while Mom and I were in the car the other day, and as tears started falling down my cheeks, Mom sent reassuring smiles my way as if to say that it’s okay to cry.
The irony of this song is, the manner by which it tells you to NOT cry makes you cry EVEN MORE. Pfft.
But I needed it then. And I sure do need it now. Even though it’s making me CRY MORE than SMILE, I’m okay, because there’s something so refreshing about being able to cry things out, while holding on to the simple truth that in this cruel world, God will always give you reasons to smile. And what do you know, hearing Daddy’s faint voice from a distance as if he’s singing the song to me makes the thought even sweeter. His memories shall always live by.
So hey, I’m gona grab some Kleenex now and cry some more. :) Meanwhile, here’s the song — click to play — just in case you need to hear it too. (Lyrics after the jump.)
Smile, whats the use of crying? You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
Mine was fast, I almost didn’t notice it. (I mean, I only noticed it now that I’m back in the office like a zombie after the pseudo Christmas break — I swear, I go like, “man that was fast” every now and then). It was different, to say the least, as it was our first Christmas without Dad. Like I said before, there will always be that empty seat, and I will always miss my Dad especially in occasions such as this. There’s a combination of sadness and joy remembering last Christmas, yes, but I’m thankful because I feel as if there’s some sort of a force-field around me this Christmas season, protecting me from any depressive attacks due to excessively missing my Dad, thus making this Christmas tear-less for me. God is good.
Anyway. I know it’s three days too late to be making yet again another Christmas list, but whatdaheck, Christmas happens only once, you can never have enough lists. So even though Christmas has come and gone already, here’s an addition to my beyond-budget Christmas wishlist (which I probably won’t be able to get myself UNTIL next Christmas, haha). Not that I’m complaining, really. I’m happy enough completing my shopping list, and giving away gifts for everyone. There’s much greater joy in that. :)
But of course, beyond the material things, one needs to have wishes that are.. intangible.
So this Christmas, I wish..
..to have a sense of direction, to decipher the road signs being sent my way and take the right turns and course of action without wasting time;
..to have the courage to do what should be done — to get out of my comfort zone if need be, or to have the patience to stay if it’s not yet time to go;
..to have peace of mind even in times when I can’t see what’s at the end of the road;
..to be more trusting and less pessimistic, to talk less and listen more, to plan less and act more;
..to have more time doing the things I love, at my own pace, at my own time.
..to be mindful of the more important things in this life — investments, relationships, family, the people I love, God;
..to be able to support more missionaries, holistic ministries and outreaches, both financially and in prayers;
..to have a fruitful coming year, after all I’ll be turning 25;
..to spend more time with my family.
..to go places.
I’m talking in riddles again, I know. But, well, these are my heart’s desires. I pray God desires these for me too. ;)
As an end to this post, here’s a song that I always love playing even when it’s not December (composed by Kuya Reeve, a dear friend, and sung by Sheila Juan, one of my girlfriends from college), which I post now because December’s almost over, and I don’t want to wait another 12 months before I could have a chance to share it with you guys. Hehe.
Now if I would dedicate this song to anyone, I’d dedicate it to those whose hearts are full of hope. I wish you find joy and love this Christmas in the simplest of things. :) Enjoy the rest of the holidays, everyone! :)
The past month flew by in a bliss I almost didn’t notice it (probably because I was too busy floating). But before I say hello to August, let me just say that July has successfully climbed the charts as my, by far, most favorite month of the year. (Or, possibly, of my entire 24 years of existence.)
July came and went, and I’m never the same.
And it made me smile to realize that some of the most important milestones in my life happened in the month of July — coincidence or planned, I wouldn’t know for sure. But I always believe in God being mindful of the details and timelines in our lives, and how they mesh together with everyone else’s. So yeah, perhaps He’s got His hand on this after all. :)
It was July last year when my parents allowed me to move out of the house and experience full-blown “adult” independence for the first time. I can still remember how it felt being a spoiled little girl stepping out of her cage, a bit nervous, a bit unsure, a bit too careful, but excited just the same. It has been a year, and what do you know, I can actually say now with conviction that I’ve grown to a large extent, and in a lot of aspects too (sadly, not in height, sorry naman). But still. :P
Apparently, the annual Hillsong Conference happens every July too. And I wouldn’t re-tell my Hillsong dream anymore in detail, and how I feel about it every time July comes by, as I did the previousyears. But just a rundown, I had my passport fixed about three years ago because of that Sydney dream, but ever since, something always comes up and stops me from flying to Oz. My passport expires in less than two years. I have 11 months til the next Hillsong Conference. The desire to go there is still here, intensifying each year that passes. Get the picture? :)
I wish Trish can read this now. She would always comment on my Hillsong drama and tell me she’d “see me there in Sydney next year“. She never got tired saying that every year. This year could be the right time to say it again. 11 months. I can wait.
On another note, I usually hate transitioning from one month to another ‘coz to a lot of us it means month-end reports, deadlines, and bills to be paid. I hate to see July go, but I’m excited to tear down another leaf off my calendar because it only means I could be getting closer and closer to The Dream. ;)
Well, bye July, for now. Hello, August, what do you have in store for us?
