Didn’t expect this would come this soon :(

Six months after his partner, Chichi, died, Chuchu passed away too. :(

More pictures HERE.

But at least I didn’t cry like before. I guess it’s mostly because I wasn’t there when my Mom and my brother found him dead. If I was there, there would have been a flood of tears.

He was still magulo last Monday, when I was home in Caloocan for the weekend. That was the last time I saw him. :( Sigh. Chuchu was a survivor. He was able to survive having bitten in the left leg by a house rat. He was always jumpy and energetic, even with a deformed leg, and even when his partner-in-crime Chichi passed away. I guess that’s one of the things I will always remember about him. Inspite of everything, he never failed to make me smile.

It doesn’t feel too long ago when I first got the hamsters, when I had to take them to my niece’s debut. Dad was still alive at that time, and was really amused as well. 10 months, gone in blink. Sigh.

I feel sad, but it was a good 10 months for Chuchu and me. I don’t think I’ll be buying a new set of hamsters anytime soon. But when I’m ready, or perhaps when I found the perfect pair, I will.

I can’t believe I’m listing resolutions three weeks too early (or 11 months too late, however you’d want to look at it). It’s just that.. I’m kind of hating myself right now. And I have to stop for a while, reflect, take things down, and refocus, before I start hurting more people around me. If you know what I’m talking about.

Coz you see, during the course of trying so hard to be responsible and trying to protect the people I love, I start to lose myself. And I realize that if I continue being so, I’d eventually lose everything I hold dear to my heart.

And let me just say that it’s tragic, reading pages and pages of blogs and journal entries bearing the same thoughts — the same resolutions — through the years. You thought you were still young at 23, that you’ve become more matured a year after, but actually, you’ve been whining about the same things then and now. It’s as if you’ve never really learned.

I need to grow up, and fast. Hence, this list of year-end resolutions. I know a list is not going to change anything, but here’s to remind myself, with everyone as my witness, that some major overhaul is going to happen in this life of mine. And unlike the elaborate ones I’ve written before, I’ll make this straight and simple this time.

Think positive things. No more “what if“s from here on. Check.

Be more trusting, especially to those people who trust me. Check.

Forget the past. What happened before does not necessarily mean it’s gonna happen now, or anytime in this lifetime. Check.

Stop worrying. Check.

Be still, and let Him be God. Check. Check.

Sigh.

Right now, I’m a lot of things I don’t want to become. I hurt people unconsciously. I’m insensitive. I’m obsessive-compulsive, but I’m OC at unimportant things. I’m workaholic when I’m not supposed to, and I waste away time when I should be working.

But all of these will change, I promise.

To you, most especially.

Watch me.

Heh. I guess you can tell by the title of this post that this is going to be one long icky rant huh. Don’t worry. It’s going to be icky, but I’ll try my best not to make it long. Promise. :P

Lemme just say, before anything else, that I’m blogging this in behalf of my roommates, Aster and Ivy, who are fortunate enough *gag* to get front seats to this quarter-life drama that my life is. Tell me, what could be better (or worse? haha) than spending your 24th year of existence with two ladies who understand what you’re going through because they’re experiencing the same crisis? :)

A mushy tagalog movie, that is.

That being said, there was no need for explanations amongst the three of us when we took our seats inside the cinema of Shangrila Mall for a last full show of One More Chance. No need for explanations when Aster took out her box of tissue and started sniffing. Or when Ivy started making fun of the actors in an attempt to keep the tough act (haha!). Or when I started tapping my feet restlessly because I hated the thought that I could relate to what was happening on screen.

Call it cliche, or jologs, or whatever, but it actually felt weird watching something vaguely familiar. I’m not really a fan of tagalog movies but I’m quite impressed how they managed to capture real-life break-up drama in a made-up story. Of course everything was a haze. Five years worth of ups and downs in a relationship jammed in 20 minutes. Months of sleepless nights and torturous mornings summed up in 2 or 3 scenes. Moving on, adjusting back to being single with a little help from your friends, and getting a new job, all in 30 minutes. Two years of moving away to “find yourself”, fastforwarded to 2 minutes. In real life, it’s more agonizing and longer than that.

The ultimate truth of the matter is, experiencing a break-up is probably one of the most (if not TEH most) liberating, life-altering experience in the world. While it’s mostly painful, it’s an opportunity to get to know yourself a bit more and to acknowledge what you’re worth. It’s the kind of experience you’d want to go back to when you need something to draw strength from, or when you have a friend who needs to be comforted.

Take it from someone who experienced something like it. I’m not an expert at all, just like Aster, or Ivy.. just like the rest of you. Break-ups are real. It happens, but it’s not the end of the world.

Years after you experienced that heartbreak, just like the movies, it’s easier to look back and say it wasn’t that long after all. You’re able to focus on more important things (career, family, friends, yourself), and just when you know you’re ready to love again, someone comes along who’s ready to love you more than anyone has ever loved you before (hey, say cheese). I’m sure you’ll agree when I say nothing beats knowing that the things that happened in the past ultimately brought you where you’re supposed to be. No more regrets.

Life is funny that way. It’s sometimes mushy, sometimes predictable, oftentimes agonizing — it’s a series of ups and downs — but it’s worth living just the same.

Just like a mushy tagalog movie.

[Voice over] One More Chance. Now showing in theaters nationwide.

Haha. Yeah. Whatever.

*Image from Gettyimages, excluding the caption.

My Dad would have turned 58 last November 9. I refrained from blogging or writing anything that day because I didn’t want to be too emotional. Besides, my family and I had a fun time together celebrating his birthday over dinner, I didn’t want to ruin it by being the crybaby that I am. :)

Then again, I guess there’s really no way I could avoid missing him and wiping tears off my eyes once in a while. No way I could stop thinking of a lifetime ahead of me without him to share it with.

*Sigh* It’s been almost 8 months. Sometimes it still feels like a dream.

But don’t get me wrong. I’m happy. We‘re happy. Happy that he’s not battling anymore with cardiomyopathy. Happy knowing that he’s not experiencing any more pain. Happy knowing that he’s happy where he is now.

It just so happened that I was watching Grey’s Anatomy Season 4’s 5th episode Haunt You Everyday, on the day the whole country’s celebrating All Soul’s Day — the first one where I actually had a Dad (who passed away) to remember.

And it just so happened that for some reason, I’m loving George O’Malley’s character in Season 4. (See what I did there? Notice the segue? Heh.) Anyway, this is, if not the most, one of the most tearjerky speech in the episode for me.

I dont have kids, so i dont know how its like to lose a child but i do know how its like to lose a parent. Your daughter loved you, i saw her this morning, she was fighting for you. She’s fighting for your life. You’re her dad. You’re her dad, she won’t leave you, I know that. I also know that she would want you to have her heart. I would have given my dad my heart if i could. If I could have saved him, I would have given him my heart. ~ George

I felt what George said. I would have given mine to my Dad too, if I had the chance. But okay, let’s save the drama for a later post.

That is, if I get the courage to write one. Sigh.