// Guitarchic Dot Net* My Life, One Strum at a Time

Yes, this is a spoiler, if you haven’t seen Episode 14. :P

I held my breath long after the screen had gone blank. As of my most favorite One Tree Hill moments, Brooke Davis’ dream come true has, no doubt, climbed the charts. Definitely the perfect ending to an episode that was aptly titled, “What Do You Go Home To?” See, it inspired ME to blog, that must be something huh? :)

So.. Have you ever had that feeling? Waiting anxiously, almost impatiently, and finally getting the very thing you’ve dreamed of and fought for? That’s exactly what this Brooke moment was about.

Waiting, fidgeting, searching far and wide

Worried about what to do, scared to know how it would finally feel

And then.. the moment just happens. You watch your dream come closer and closer to your reach, and you brace yourself to finally grab it with arms wide open

..and you stare at it in awe, giving yourself mental slaps to see if it’s real and that you’re not just dreaming anymore. And when the reality of it finally sinks in, you know that every agonizing step towards that moment is worth it all.

It’s as if all fears are gone, and suddenly.. you forget that the rest of the world is happening around you, and all uncertainties are replaced with that one sweet moment of euphoria (see Brooke’s smile? Classic.)

..and everything just starts to make sense. You freeze that moment in your heart, make it linger for as long as you can, until you’re ready to carefully land your feet back on the ground.

Then the moment passes, and you go on living your life — only a little better, a little sweeter, a little lovelier this time.

Meh. I want to feel that moment again. No, I’m not getting a baby (although I’ve been sooo drawn to wanting one, no thanks to Sheila’s pregnancy; and having to hear Johann stories and the joys and perils of motherhood from Maia every single day).

It’s near. I can feel it. I’m coming home. One dream is going to come true for me real’ soon. :)

You know those text messages that come just as you need them? Well, I got one tonight. Like, right about now. I know I’ve neglected this site for almost a month already (lots of unfinished posts in my draft, believe me), but I’m breaking the silence now to post another quotable quote from an unknown text sender. Thank you, whoever you are.

Sometimes you just want to quit a battle when things start to hurt. You want to stop and leave everything as it is before the pain gets worse. Times like this, remember that when you’ve prayed and claimed for it even before you’ve stepped in the battlefield, you can be assured that it’s definitely worth going this far.

I know what you’re thinking. Riz has got some problems up her sleeve, eh? Haha. I know right. I have a theory that my boss lurks on my blog everytime I start messing up at work, and fishes for info about my personal life, then devices a way to motivate me from there, hehe. Works all the time! (Ehem, just a theory.)

But no worries. I’m okay. No problem too big my Big God can’t fix.

Meanwhile, I’m too caught up with so many things, work and stuff. Just wanted to share the text message above, in case you need it too.

Be Right Back. ;)

I can’t believe I’d be quoting from a highschool crush (eek, I know right) who’s now a good friend I can occasionally talk to. I just can’t help but feel how much what he said makes sense, and how timely too, in a world where unbelief is staple and true love is hard to find.

When we pray for love, He doesn’t zap us with warm, fuzzy feelings, He gives us the opportunity to love. And I think, that within that impossibly hard and unchangeable situation, there lies best place to cultivate the love that we are all looking for.

I guess there’s no better way I could rephrase those words. So I quote.

One of the things my Mom “assigned” me to do following Daddy’s death was to write a short letter of thanks in behalf of our family to everyone who was/is there with us throughout this whole ordeal. Mom would always tell me that I’m the writer in the family, that I’m the best person to do it, or sometimes, in her desperate attempts to make me move, she would make bola and tell me that Daddy would have wanted me to do it more than anyone in the world. It has been my greatest challenge since.

It’s gonna be Dad’s first death anniversary on the 26th, and I still haven’t come up with anything. Mom has been so patient with me, even though I know that she’s starting to get frustrated about not being able to at least give a thank you card to everyone after all these months.

It’s just that.. everytime I try to sit down to work on it, I always end up staring at a blank sheet of paper, or a blank text file, and a few minutes later, I’d start tearing up again. I’ve ran out of excuses to explain to Mom why I still haven’t come up with what she’s asking for. I know I could easily just string together words of appreciation, layout them together with a photo of my Dad, print, and send. But it’s difficult, because no amount of words is enough to thank everyone who was part of my Dad’s life and ministry. *Sigh* I’m not just being lazy. I’ve been stalling, I know right, but only because the mere thought of working on THAT letter relieves the pain of our loss, and it’s as if I have to accept over again that Dad’s already gone.

I’m turning 25 in a few months, but I still haven’t stopped feeling like still being too young to lose a father. I guess I’ll never stop feeling like that. Dad’s early death may have forced me to grow up, but deep inside I will always be that little girl who’d give anything to twirl around her Daddy in circles again. Ugh, it’s just too frustrating sometimes. I mean, why do other twentyfiveyearolds get to share their lives with their Dads and I don’t? *More sighs* Okai, I stop whining now.

So yeah, March 26 is just around the corner, and I’m starting to have more and more thoughts about Daddy again. And I have no more excuse to set aside writing that thank you letter now. I owe it to my Mom. I know how important that is to her.

But mostly, I owe it to Daddy. Since he didn’t get to have that last chance to thank all those people who were part of his life, I want to do it for him with all my heart.

Among the gazillions of memories that my Dad left us with, these two photos are probably the ones that will forever be etched in my head: the black-and-white photo from the last sermon he gave in church, and the color-ed one (with that eternal smile) from a medical-dental mission from way back.

For the past eleven months since Daddy’s death, I’ve gotten so used to seeing these two pictures around — on my Mom’s office wall, in our living room, on a mural in church — that I’d sometimes find myself automatically saying “Hi Daddy, how are you?” everytime I pass through them.

Then again, there are times, such as last Sunday (or NOW), when staring at his pictures would make me cry uncontrollably again. There are just no words to describe how much I miss Daddy. Sometimes it would feel as if the pain of his death is being relieved in my heart over again like it just happened.

I didn’t realize until earlier today that it’s been almost a year already since Dad left to be with the Lord. A lot of things has happened ever since, and there was not a time when I didn’t wonder how different things would have been if he was still around. How I would have made better decisions if I got to have a piece of his wisdom, or how it would have been happier to celebrate special days and victories with him, or how trials would have been easier to bear if I could talk to him, get a piece of his mind, or probably laugh my sorrows away with him.

I guess these are some of the things I will always remember about Daddy. He always had a way of staying calm even though he’s got a gunk of problems to think about. He had this ability to trust God wholly in spite of all the discouragements that this world is made of; and to smile even through trying times.

Smile though your heart is aching, Daddy would often sing — while taking a bath, or while driving, or once when I was so brokenhearted from breaking up with my first boyfriend. I guess he knew that these lines would never fail to bring the smile back on my face. Coincidentally, Daddy also sang portions of this song during his last sermon in church, unaware that it was going to be one of the last memories he’d be leaving us with forever.

The song’s been playing over and over in my head the past few days. It also happened to play on the stereo while Mom and I were in the car the other day, and as tears started falling down my cheeks, Mom sent reassuring smiles my way as if to say that it’s okay to cry.

The irony of this song is, the manner by which it tells you to NOT cry makes you cry EVEN MORE. Pfft.

But I needed it then. And I sure do need it now. Even though it’s making me CRY MORE than SMILE, I’m okay, because there’s something so refreshing about being able to cry things out, while holding on to the simple truth that in this cruel world, God will always give you reasons to smile. And what do you know, hearing Daddy’s faint voice from a distance as if he’s singing the song to me makes the thought even sweeter. His memories shall always live by.

So hey, I’m gona grab some Kleenex now and cry some more. :) Meanwhile, here’s the song — click to play — just in case you need to hear it too. (Lyrics after the jump.)

Smile, whats the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Smile by Nat King Cole | Download

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