At This Point, I’d Welcome Any Excuse to Cry
I don’t know what happened to me but suddenly, the emo-era is back and I find myself seeing the most emo things in photographs, and song lyrics, and cloudless skies, and old, empty suitcases,
and this just a few hours ago, wounded fingers.
11/365 My soul is in the sky, originally uploaded by gchic.
[Some note: This blog post is totally unrelated to the photo, except that flying and crying are two things I don't mind being caught dead doing. So yeah, the connection stops right here.]
Tonight, while cutting potatoes to cook for dinner (yes, I do cook my own dinner contrary to what most of you would think), I cut my left thumb with a kitchen knife. And it was an awfully deep cut because I happened to be cutting with force when the knife slid on my poor thumb.
Now I grew up to believe that the first thing to do when you get a cut is to make it bleed to get as much germs out. So I did, and for the first few seconds, I did it with such bravery I never thought I had. Soon enough, however, I succumbed to the sight of dripping blood and how the cut seemed to *not* stop bleeding.
And so I cried. I let out one nasty, hearty, hysterical cry. While my blood was dripping on my kitchen floor. With bloody tissue papers scattered everywhere from the kitchen floor to the bathroom sink.
If only my camera and tripod were set up, this would’ve been one helluva flickr-moment. And the title would be something that could pass up as suicidal.
But like I said over twitter and FB, while it hurt like crazy, and left me forever traumatized by the sight of potatoes and kitchen knives, I was kinda thankful to have an excuse to cry.
I honestly think I wasn’t just crying over my bloody finger. Now that I think about it, it somehow feels more like being able to find an excuse to release all these pent-up frustrations about life out of my chest. After all, I haven’t cried in a long while. (That is, not counting that night we stopped whatever it was we’re doing out of the blue, sat down, clasped our hands, and prayed.)
I feel awful blogging about this crazy encounter with a kitchen knife. Why does it feel so uncool to admit you’re a crybaby these days? (Isn’t it an accepted fact that crying is a sign of courage anymore?)
At the risk of being branded uncool, I just have to say.. it actually feels good to cry. Even if it costs some trauma, and a deep cut.
Hey, it’s okay to have some drama in your life, come on. You don’t have to pretend you’re tough (and happy, ugh) all the time.
* * *
Also, yes, I have this renewed habit of shifting from “I” to “we” in the middle of paragraphs, just because I think *we* is such a beautiful word.
Bijoiski said,
April 28, 2009 @ 8:37 am
weeeee. hehehe *big hug* hope you’re finger (and your heart *wink, wink*) feel better soon :)
Raymond said,
April 28, 2009 @ 9:41 am
Ouch, ang sakit naman nyan. Hope you feel better now, I mean, from the knife incident.
On a second thought, that thing with the knife the other day turns out to be a good thing for you. You had that “excuse to release all these pent-up frustrations about life out of my (your) chest”. Though it’s not really nice to see all the blood dripping on your kitchen floor, you had that moment, yes, a moment, a chance.
Many people (that includes myself) are waiting for a moment, an excuse, a chance to experience “one nasty, hearty, hysterical cry”. I miss that feeling… Though cutting oneself accidentally would be the last thing one wish to happen. Er, we can’t really predict the thing/s that will happen that will trigger the release of that emotion… the emotion that lurks inside us and dying to be released.
When we were a child, it’s easier to express what we feel – fear of abandonment, a broken promise, or just missing someone. Those days are gone now. Life tends to complicate itself as the years go by. Maybe, it’s the people who make it complicated…
Hope you feel better now after you cried. I mean from the real reason you cried.
Amanda said,
April 28, 2009 @ 9:43 am
My beautiful words which are better than “cellar door” are “pool” and “mouth.”
I’ve never felt any shame in crying aloud in front of everyone. In the past there have been times I’ve had a private cry in front of an audience and that’s when I sought a place to hide. However, my tears are freely my expressed emotions and I don’t care if they make someone else uncomfortable.
As for your thumb, give it a few days to heal. I have the unfortune to be enemies with glasses as I wash inside of them with washcloths. Twice the glass has shattered in my hand and cut into my fingers and the blood would not stop. One time a friend bandaged my finger then tied my hand to a pot hook in order to keep my hand above my heart. It bleed for seven hours and went through the bandages almost faster than we could cover it.
It makes a fun story now. :-)
As for the way you’re feeling, I’m sorry you feel so pent up but I’m glad you found a way to cry. It’s the best feeling after the sobbing has subsided. It sounds cheap over the internet, but I do hope you think of me as a friend someday, so I am praying for you to feel better and for things to smooth out.
daphne said,
April 28, 2009 @ 10:27 am
“I feel awful blogging about this crazy encounter with a kitchen knife. Why does it feel so uncool to admit you’re a crybaby these days? (Isn’t it an accepted fact that crying is a sign of courage anymore?)”
Don’t feel awful blogging about this–hey this is YOUR blog anyway!;) and oh, any excuse to give yourself a good cry is a good one no matter what. tears are good soul cleansers :D
the xaris said,
April 28, 2009 @ 12:13 pm
will you be serving the potatoes to us?
ateeees. *ginormoushug*
Mae said,
April 28, 2009 @ 6:07 pm
wanna have coffee some time? :)
Joni said,
April 29, 2009 @ 11:31 am
*We* — awww. sweet. hehe!
“I happened to be cutting with force when the knife slid on my poor thumb” —- OUCH! =(
riz said,
April 30, 2009 @ 12:05 am
Finger, okay na. :) Heart? Uhm, tanong mo ulit bukas. Haha.
riz said,
April 30, 2009 @ 12:49 am
Thanks po :)
You should write a blog about this. Thoughts like deserve to be a blog post, not just a comment! :)
riz said,
April 30, 2009 @ 12:51 am
Haha yeah, right after the unfortunate accident, I googled and found out that i should keep the cut above the heart, and so I did, for 10 minutes, looking like a fool. Hehe. I’m not sure if it did anything. :)
Thanks for the prayers, Amanda, and the nice words, really appreciate them. :)
riz said,
April 30, 2009 @ 12:53 am
“tears are good soul cleansers :D” –> Coming from you ate Daph, yes, I believe. Hehe. :)
riz said,
April 30, 2009 @ 12:53 am
Haha I don’t think you want that :)
riz said,
April 30, 2009 @ 12:54 am
YES!!!
riz said,
April 30, 2009 @ 12:54 am
Haha that’s right Joni, naimagine mo ba? :))
daph said,
April 30, 2009 @ 9:14 am
nakuha ko lang yun ke kuya aleks! haha!
Louis said,
May 7, 2009 @ 10:38 pm
Sometimes it really helps (emotionally) if we cry. It is a way of exhausting our frustrations in life out of our bodies (naks, feeling scientific).
Well, I admire you’re courage to blog about your experience and show to the world that you are just a human being who is capable of crying. Others choose to hold back their tears for the sake of covering their weaknesses and look tough in front of the people. But the real brave souls lie within people like you who don’t mind showing to the world their soft and weak spots. :)
tarits said,
May 14, 2009 @ 11:45 am
i rarely cut myself… because i rarely handle sharp objects. accident-prone people learn early on to avoid painful situations, hehe.
hmm, made me think about when I had a last good wailing session… i rarely cry too… i cry when I’m mad…i can only remember 2x that I cried out of sadness/missing people (yes, sm cebu aka kc2k3 was one such incident). and if possible, i would rather hide than cry in public.
so i salute the members of the fellowship of tears… those brave enough to be honest and wear their heart on their sleeves.
hugs riz. miss na kita kahit di halata. and an advanced happy birthday, ATE.
:) said,
May 21, 2009 @ 12:30 pm
*smile*